sweethymns | ʜᴜᴍᴀɴ ᴀғᴛᴇʀ ᴀʟʟ

[He’s not going to forget how to breathe, or be unable to control the beat of his heart. And yet the very suggestion that he might lose cognizant control of it makes him press a hand to his chest, to feel that organ beating within. Makes him purposefully breathe in and out, in and out, in case he forgets.

Hopefully he won’t hyperventilate at this rate.]

I just— this is impossible. The door having changed me into something I’m not.

[ He hasn’t ripped his eyes from the mirror. It’s surreal.]

I can’t remain like this. This isn’t who I am.

Now that I know but... Well, maybe if you go through again you'll change back? It can't be permanent.

[She reaches out to him, putting a hand on his shoulder to get him to turn around.]

Connor, you need to calm down and we can figure this out together.

I am calm.

[It's huffed out almost immediately, because he is calm, surely he is. He always is, except in extreme circumstances, always able to critically think and judge and deduce and work through in his head the solution to a problem.

But his mind feels like a machine that is whirring uncontrollably, unable to parcel and categorize information the way he's used to. A stream of consciousness, and it's hard to swim through all of it.

Yet Ai's touch is like an anchor, or a hook, pulling him back and giving him something to focus on. He turns around to face her.]

What if it is permanent? I have to step through the door again and see what happens to me.

[Given his state, though, who knows if that's a good idea.]

Barely!

[She shuffles through her mind, trying to think of what to say that might make him stay because it's too soon to try and mess with the doorway. One hand remains on arm as she says:]

Can't you think of this as an opportunity? Like... You wanted to know what it's like to be a human right? This could be a way to answer some of those questions!

[An opportunity? In "normal" circumstances, maybe, it would've been an opportunity. But when was having one's entire body changed considered normal? How was he supposed to reconcile it so quickly, just simply accept how he is now?

And not knowing if this was permanent or otherwise would be a bane to his entire visit here. He knows that. It'll hang over his head like a sharpened sword, ready to drop.]

Yes, but that's not- How am I supposed to enjoy myself, how am I supposed to even know what to do, if I don't know how this came to be? If I don't even know if this will be permanent?

[A muscle works in his jaw.]

Wouldn't you feel the same way?

... I'm so sorry.

[Ai's shoulders drop, dejected.]

You're scared and I was just... I don't know what to do for you this time. I don't want you to be scared.

[The mood in the atmosphere changes. Ai’s shoulders droop and Connor’s own body language draws inward; he knows she’s trying to help, that she probably feels as helpless as he does right now. (So much sensation, is this how humans feel all the time?)]

What should we do now?

[His tone is low, though the way it echoes in the bathroom makes it sound impossibly loud.]

If you say you want to go through the door again, then I think that's actually a good idea.

[She looks up at him and nods.]

We need to make sure it's not permanent. I'll go with you and wait too.

[There’s not too much relief to be afforded just yet, but knowing that they’ll answer the question of just how permanent this change is injects some relief in Connor. His face looses a little bit of its tension, and he looks down at her, nodding back.]

Thank you, Ai. Let’s get there as fast as we can.

[She wastes no time afterward in getting them to the alleyway. As she shuts her apartment door behind them, Ai glances at Connor with curiosity.]

Connor? Does it really feel worse for you in a human body?

[As he follows Ai out, he gives a moment consideration to her question.]

I don’t know if "worse" is how I would describe it. It’s strange in that it’s too much. Sensation, thought. I can feel the hot and cold.

[It’s like he’s shed a shell, and everything is raw and exposed.]

I just don’t know how to... live with it, I think.

[Ai's expression is incredulous, to say the least. But she has to take a step back in her mind to remind herself with her own words; he didn't have the progression and development humans have since infancy that helps them deal with all of the sensations they would experience in their lifetimes.

Connor hasn't had a fraction of that.]

... You know.

This technically reminds me that I'm... Probably older than you, aren't I?

[Everything about those assumptions are correct. Maybe even more than she realizes.

Not that Connor has a reason to hide this.]

There’s no "probably" about it. I’m less than a year old; I was released last August. In my world’s time, of course.

[Give her a second.

She's covering her face with one hand and there's a muffled sound of... Laughter? Giggling? There's an attempt not to, not when this situation is gravely serious in its own way, but... But!!

Less than a year old.]

[Okay, she coughs into her fist and fans herself, trying to calm down.]

S-Sorry! I couldn't help it and I know you feel really confused being in a human body, but... Yeah!

It's okay to feel that way right now. I bet if you scraped your knee in the next minute, you'd be petrified! Meanwhile, for a human like me, I've scraped my knees and elbows or fallen on my face really early on as a child. And that's just us at our most vulnerable state.

But that's beside the point... Let's see if you remain that way or switch back when you return home.

[Ah. She’s laughing at him. And strangely, he feels a flush beneath his skin, as if it’s a little embarrassing.

Yet nothing she says is inherently... incorrect. He would be met with confusion and fear if he suddenly scraped his knee; pain was foreign to him. But Connor can’t seem to decide whether to look embarrassed or just nod in agreement with her.]

I guess you’ll start thinking of me as a small child at this rate.

Connor is Connor.

[And she takes one of his hands so she can pull him along as they head to their destination.]

I won't treat you any differently than I have before.

[He opens his mouth to reply to that, but she grasps at his hand, and all his words fall away.

It’s… strange. The sensation is similar to what he had felt before, that wonderment at her warmth and the feeling of electricity just under the surface of skin. But now he does more than register the warmth, he feels it. The pulsing of his own blood under the surface, thrumming through his veins because of his ‘new’ heart pumping in his chest.

An odd excitement that would make him stumble in his step, if he had not felt the same as an android that night of the fireworks.]

I… ah. Yes.

[It’s all he can manage.]

[There's the briefest pause on her end as well when she feels the surface of his skin on his human hand. Of course, there would be a difference she tells herself; don't act weird about it!

Easier said than done. Ai just keeps looking forward and then to her right and left.]

Um... Good thing the door isn't far away from where I am! [Some hair is brushed behind her ear, a nervous gesture. But to her credit, she doesn't let go of him.]

I don't think this is permanent if it makes you feel better.

I don’t… I hope not.

[Aaaaah, where’s that door? He needs to focus, but it all feels dismantled and derailed. He has to remember why they’re here, not be bogged down with confusion. This was far easier as an android; categorizing thoughts into priority wasn’t difficult to do.]

No offense, Ai.

None taken!

[Was her pitch a little higher that time? Hard to say. Soon enough they're at the alleyway and after giving another quick look around for no intruders, she enters the secret place, letting go of Connor's hand.]

Well, we're here... Try it out now and we'll see what happens.

[No time like the present after all.]

[Letting go of her hand, he swallows — a tell of vague anxiety, not something that existed in him when he was purely an android. He steps forward to where the door usually lies, then turns his head to look at her briefly.]

Coming with me?

Oh!

[Ai didn't even think of that. She nods reassuringly.]

Right behind you then. We're in this together!

[It’s a small reassurance, but it’s nice to know that she’ll be there with him. It makes a boldness creep along his spine, and Connor nods.]

Then let’s give it a try.

[The door opens, a burst of energy that he’s familiar with, before stabilizing enough for the both of them to step through. He sets his jaw and steps through.

On the other side, they’re met with the same park, the same bench. He’s seated, as he always appears to be when he arrives.]

I—

[Immediately, he performs a diagnostic scan. Processes whir to life, and he answers his own lingering question — yes, he’s android again.]

[At least she doesn't go tumbling out again. She's seated next to him, eyes shut. One blue eye opens up and she looks at Connor sitting next to her and...]

... Your LED.

[She points to it and tilts her torso to look at Connor's face from below.]

... Good! Then it isn't permanent. [There's a mixture of relief and lingering confusion. Why did the door make him go through that metamorphosis in the first place?]

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