sweethymns | ʜᴜᴍᴀɴ ᴀғᴛᴇʀ ᴀʟʟ

[When Connor awakens, he feels like everything is wrong.

It’s like being torn from a familiar shell and stuffed into something that doesn’t fit; slow, inelegant, warm and so full of feeling, that even having just barely opened his eyes, everything is an onslaught.

Temperature, touch, sound, the feel of air passing through his nostrils and lungs. The rustle of clothing against skin, the pressure of a blanket on his body.

He sits up with a jolt, and he can’t scan anything, he can’t streamline his processes, he feels like too much exists and not enough. His body had changed, he knows it. But he’s not quite sure how, or why.

He doesn’t even register Ai there, not yet. He only grasps at the edge of the couch, gasping sharply, confused and disoriented, and attempts to stand to get his bearings. The quilt falls off of him, and crumples to the ground.]

Wh-what...

[And hand to his head. Fingers running through hair. The sensation of it rubbing against his scalp. He doesn’t know, he can’t understand, how, how, how—]

Connor.

[Her voice cuts through, or at least an attempt is made. She moves from behind the couch and puts herself in front of Connor's vision, sitting on her knees.]

Connor, look at me. If you need to, keep laying down, but look at me.

[She can see and sense his shock, the unfamiliarity with his being, and she recalls their conversation about the sensory overload that an android would have if they had the full spectrum of a human's. She's afraid he would be in pain.]

It's me, Ai. You can hear me?

[It’s a true flood of sensation, and he’s not even doing anything but standing there, the world existing around him, caught in reality and confusion and feeling and all things that he cannot process.

But Ai’s voice cuts through it, the sight of her flooding into his vision, and he latches onto it.

He doesn’t sink back down into the couch, nor does he remain standing. It’s easier only to fall to his own knees, pressed into the carpet, leaning close to her; his eyes search hers desperately for answers.]

Ai, what— what’s happened to me? I feel...

[He doesn’t even know how to describe it. Just wrong.]

[Ai's hands hover over his shoulders, not quite touching him yet; just close enough in case he wobbles over or makes a sudden move that could endanger himself. She takes a deep breath and instructs him to do the same.]

T-Take a deep breath. Count to ten.

[She takes a deep breath to let him follow her lead and tries to calmly explain.]

You were out for almost an hour when I found you. You don't have an LED, but you're not injured. I think it has something to do with the door, you changed. You're...

[He’s latching onto every word. Easier to do that than to focus on everything else. Ai’s voice is the smallest mode of comfort in everything, even if what she’s saying does not inspire it very much.]

The door, did it...

[Strange how the sentence staggers and stumbles, his words feeling thick and clumsy on his tongue.

Connor is not so oblivious to the workings of a human body that he doesn’t know what might’ve happened. He is an android (was?) made for the sake of forensics and more. He lives with a human.

It’s still nigh unbelievable. He tries to stand, to make his way to the nearest mirror.]

I need too see what’s been done to me.

[Ai stands up with him at the same time.]

You look the same for all intents and purposes... Um, don't be hasty, please?

[She's just as disoriented as he is but for different reasons. Ai wonders why she feels more aware of his presence. Is it the extra body heat that humans emit compared to an android? Is it because he's showing more panic compared to his calmer and logical self, that was peppered in with genuine emotion?

Ai points to the bathroom and the door opens automatically.]

There's a mirror in there. Take as long as you need.

[By some manner of miracle, Connor manages to make his way to the bathroom; hands pressed to the cool porcelain of the sink, he leans forward to be met with his reflection in the mirror.

He looks... well, the same. He same facial features, the same eyes. But skin, actual skin, warm under his touch. His hair has mussed itself sometime in all of this, strands falling across his forehead.

Connor’s reaction is one that’s trying to fend off the panic in his chest, and his mind is reeling. Without thinking, he just calls out—]

I’m human, Ai! How is this possible?

I-I don't know!

[~~Magic~~ Ai puts her hands on the doorway and peeks into the bathroom.]

I found you like that! And I took your pulse and everything and you have the same average temperature... I really have no idea!

I-Is your heart beating faster by the way? Remember to breathe!

[She's kind of concerned he'll forget to do that, don't mind her]

[He’s not going to forget how to breathe, or be unable to control the beat of his heart. And yet the very suggestion that he might lose cognizant control of it makes him press a hand to his chest, to feel that organ beating within. Makes him purposefully breathe in and out, in and out, in case he forgets.

Hopefully he won’t hyperventilate at this rate.]

I just— this is impossible. The door having changed me into something I’m not.

[ He hasn’t ripped his eyes from the mirror. It’s surreal.]

I can’t remain like this. This isn’t who I am.

Now that I know but... Well, maybe if you go through again you'll change back? It can't be permanent.

[She reaches out to him, putting a hand on his shoulder to get him to turn around.]

Connor, you need to calm down and we can figure this out together.

I am calm.

[It's huffed out almost immediately, because he is calm, surely he is. He always is, except in extreme circumstances, always able to critically think and judge and deduce and work through in his head the solution to a problem.

But his mind feels like a machine that is whirring uncontrollably, unable to parcel and categorize information the way he's used to. A stream of consciousness, and it's hard to swim through all of it.

Yet Ai's touch is like an anchor, or a hook, pulling him back and giving him something to focus on. He turns around to face her.]

What if it is permanent? I have to step through the door again and see what happens to me.

[Given his state, though, who knows if that's a good idea.]

Barely!

[She shuffles through her mind, trying to think of what to say that might make him stay because it's too soon to try and mess with the doorway. One hand remains on arm as she says:]

Can't you think of this as an opportunity? Like... You wanted to know what it's like to be a human right? This could be a way to answer some of those questions!

[An opportunity? In "normal" circumstances, maybe, it would've been an opportunity. But when was having one's entire body changed considered normal? How was he supposed to reconcile it so quickly, just simply accept how he is now?

And not knowing if this was permanent or otherwise would be a bane to his entire visit here. He knows that. It'll hang over his head like a sharpened sword, ready to drop.]

Yes, but that's not- How am I supposed to enjoy myself, how am I supposed to even know what to do, if I don't know how this came to be? If I don't even know if this will be permanent?

[A muscle works in his jaw.]

Wouldn't you feel the same way?

... I'm so sorry.

[Ai's shoulders drop, dejected.]

You're scared and I was just... I don't know what to do for you this time. I don't want you to be scared.

[The mood in the atmosphere changes. Ai’s shoulders droop and Connor’s own body language draws inward; he knows she’s trying to help, that she probably feels as helpless as he does right now. (So much sensation, is this how humans feel all the time?)]

What should we do now?

[His tone is low, though the way it echoes in the bathroom makes it sound impossibly loud.]

If you say you want to go through the door again, then I think that's actually a good idea.

[She looks up at him and nods.]

We need to make sure it's not permanent. I'll go with you and wait too.

[There’s not too much relief to be afforded just yet, but knowing that they’ll answer the question of just how permanent this change is injects some relief in Connor. His face looses a little bit of its tension, and he looks down at her, nodding back.]

Thank you, Ai. Let’s get there as fast as we can.

[She wastes no time afterward in getting them to the alleyway. As she shuts her apartment door behind them, Ai glances at Connor with curiosity.]

Connor? Does it really feel worse for you in a human body?

[As he follows Ai out, he gives a moment consideration to her question.]

I don’t know if "worse" is how I would describe it. It’s strange in that it’s too much. Sensation, thought. I can feel the hot and cold.

[It’s like he’s shed a shell, and everything is raw and exposed.]

I just don’t know how to... live with it, I think.

[Ai's expression is incredulous, to say the least. But she has to take a step back in her mind to remind herself with her own words; he didn't have the progression and development humans have since infancy that helps them deal with all of the sensations they would experience in their lifetimes.

Connor hasn't had a fraction of that.]

... You know.

This technically reminds me that I'm... Probably older than you, aren't I?

[Everything about those assumptions are correct. Maybe even more than she realizes.

Not that Connor has a reason to hide this.]

There’s no "probably" about it. I’m less than a year old; I was released last August. In my world’s time, of course.

[Give her a second.

She's covering her face with one hand and there's a muffled sound of... Laughter? Giggling? There's an attempt not to, not when this situation is gravely serious in its own way, but... But!!

Less than a year old.]

[Okay, she coughs into her fist and fans herself, trying to calm down.]

S-Sorry! I couldn't help it and I know you feel really confused being in a human body, but... Yeah!

It's okay to feel that way right now. I bet if you scraped your knee in the next minute, you'd be petrified! Meanwhile, for a human like me, I've scraped my knees and elbows or fallen on my face really early on as a child. And that's just us at our most vulnerable state.

But that's beside the point... Let's see if you remain that way or switch back when you return home.

[Ah. She’s laughing at him. And strangely, he feels a flush beneath his skin, as if it’s a little embarrassing.

Yet nothing she says is inherently... incorrect. He would be met with confusion and fear if he suddenly scraped his knee; pain was foreign to him. But Connor can’t seem to decide whether to look embarrassed or just nod in agreement with her.]

I guess you’ll start thinking of me as a small child at this rate.

Connor is Connor.

[And she takes one of his hands so she can pull him along as they head to their destination.]

I won't treat you any differently than I have before.

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